A Turn of Events

I have debated all day if this is something I wanted to share or not, but ultimately feel that being open and candid about my life and my experiences is a huge part of who I am and who I have always been. However, this is deeply personal, scary for me to write, and painful for me to share.  I’m sure someone in the future will be able to relate to this, and not feel so alone in their feelings. I am more than happy to be a shoulder to lean on if someone reads this one day and feels compelled to vent, contact me. Don’t hesitate.

I am so lucky to have so many people care about me and my unborn child, wanting to know daily if she has arrived. Some of you even know I had a scheduled biophysical profile today. This was scheduled because I am over-due, and she has yet to drop. Mostly it was important to know whether or not my placenta could continue to sustain her. Today I learned that, at nearly 42 weeks, she is breach with the cord around her neck. My doctor is hesitant to risk turning her considering my particular situation is not promising of success, and could put her life in danger. I have to at least give credit to him offering to try regardless. So Darcy will be here Thursday. No more question, or surprise on when, or how. I’m devastated that I will never know what labor feels like after 9 months of carrying her, and feel extremely selfish for feeling the sadness I do for having to face a scheduled c-section. I don’t even fully understand why I feel the way I do, instead of feeling ecstatic she’ll be in my arms soon. It’s hard to explain how I can mourn something I never had. I have been so adamant on no intervention, and I never in a million years dreamed this is how my journey into motherhood would begin.

Anyway I wanted to share because it’s who I am. Before you comment, please remember this is painful for me. You may not understand why I am hurting. I am completely aware that it could be worse. I know what matters most is a healthy baby. I am excited for her to be here. I am lucky to have her, period. I understand all this. I still feel pain, and can’t explain why.

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